Cheney's Jokes Make Me Cry

"Somebody said to me the other day that Senator Edwards got picked because he's sexy, good looking, charming. I said, how do you think I got this job?"

Dick Cheney, Lansing, Michigan, July 16th, 2004.

Ahem. Mr Cheney? Jeremy Brendan here... I'm with My Life as a Reptile. Yes, I cover Washington, among other places. No, you're right... I don't get paid for this stuff. Anyhow, I had to ask you a question. How did you get the job of Vice President? I imagine that you had to pass through some rigorous interviews with the Vice Presidential Search Committee? Did you bring your CV in a leather briefcase? I always shave "a priori", what about you?

Really? So you were hired by the Bush team to track down a suitable VP candidate and you chose yourself? Yes, that was a brilliant move... it makes simple nepotism seem quaint and archaic. Machiavelli would have been proud.

Of course I've heard of Michael Moore! He's that portly director with the razor-edge wit who directed "Bowling for Columbine", right? He already wrote about how Bush paid you $3M USD to hire yourself in his book? I suppose that would make this old news.

Before you go, could I get one thing straight? After sifting through a large pool of talented Republicans (including both Colin Powell & Sen. John McCain), you concluded that nobody had the cojones to be VP. Then, after much deliberation and staring in the mirror, you made a quick call to your broker and divested of your Halliburton stock. Quick thinking, Mr. Cheney. Perhaps the press should strip Nixon of his monicker and call you the tricky one.

Now, you're the second-string quarterback of America, the next in line if Bush chokes on another pretzel, the Right-Hand Man. What do you do, exactly? I see that you make speeches and occasionally hook up your friends with billions of sweetheart contracts (no bid, no quip, $11 billion. Doll dollah bills, y'all!)...Seems like a pretty decent gig.

You've got to go? Dinner with the Al Saud Royal family? I see. Send my regards to Prince Bandar. No, I wasn't at that public beheading in Ridyah. Anyhow, take it easy and watch out for the John-John ticket in November... They're bearing down on you like an INS Agent on a Mexican migrant worker. Sure, I think you and Shrub stand a chance, if the Dems don't resuscitate Kerry in time for voting day.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Is Bush really as dumb as they say he is? He hired you? Hehehehe. You mean you hired you! Heh. You're pretty funny for an old guy. No, I'm not crying. The wind was blowing and I must have got some sand in there.