Reagan Will Live On

After ramping up defense spending to stratospheric heights, funding anti-democratic guerillas around the globe, and declaring that trees are a major source of pollution, Ronald Reagan passed away this week at the age of 93.

His resilience is quite impressive. Not only has he refused to yield to death's cruel scythe, he's going to run for Vice President of the United States!

"Difficult times call for great leaders -- men of vision, strength and courage. Men like George W. Bush and the shambling, reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan. Welcome to the official Web site of Bush/Zombie Reagan 2004, Inc., home of the new Republican presidential ticket!"

Apparently, he has the vitality of a twenty year-old and the ability to withstand the loss of his limbs, as long as his skull remains intact.

John Kerry, contrary to popular opinion, is not a real zombie. He just pretends to be one in order to sit on the fence and court both the zombie and the non-zombie vote. According to the makers of Bush/Zombie Reagan, Kerry is more like a sort of Frankenstein, with his body parts culled from many good, All-American gravesites.

"Is Zombie Reagan really that much of an advantage? Doesn't John Kerry have the zombie vote locked up?

No. John Kerry, in fact, isn't really a zombie. He is more akin to Frankenstein's Monster, built out of parts stolen from graveyards under cover of night. He simply claims to be a zombie for political advantage."

When a nation is divided along partisan lines, sometimes it helps to keep a sense of mirth and laughter regarding politics. Personally, I don't hate Reagan as a person, just for what he represented--he was a master of rhetoric, a spinning politico who would spout one-liners to cover up his massive deficits or his entanglement with crooked corporate giants.

Not all Republicans are cut from the same cloth as Reagan, and thank the empty, acid-rainy heavens. I would rather listen to an earnest, trustworthy guy like John McCain than some actor who pretended to be a cowboy on the silver screen. I'm sure Reagan wasn't an evil guy but he made some baffling decisions. (Why sell WMD to Saddam Hussein? Ronald sent Donald Rumsfeld to meet the dictator and seal the deal, for fux sake!)

What do you think of Reagan's achievements/blunders? Was he the National Treasure or a Natural disaster? Please comment below