Friday, June 04, 2004

Jeremy Brendan Wants to Work for You!

Calling all benevolent billionaires, craven capitalists, and blog boosters! I, Jeremy Brendan, am tired of my lacklustre lifestyle and prolonged absence from the nine-to-five world. I need a job and my Monster hasn't been helping at all. I've been out of work for nearly a year (unless you count my 4-day stint pitching heat for a lying pack of telemarketers. I quit but left with my soul intact). I wanna work instead of banging on the keys all day.

I have a large cornucopia of job skills to offer your business/organization/cult. These include, but are not limited to; selling objects or services to disinterested strangers; writing polemical rants or completely objective, sang-froid news articles, depending on how much I trust the editor; rolling spliffs, although I max out at two papers, and I may expect to smoke if I'm going to the trouble of rolling the damned thing; interviewing musicians, as long as I can appreciate their music and they're not from American Idol (William Hung excluded); and playing rhythm guitar. I can groove to anything that sounds good but I would love to play dancepunk, indie rawk (à la Flaming Lips/Silver Jews style), or even country, as long as our lyrics aren't about the death of our dog or how much we hate hippies.

Naturally, I can also do any number of manual labour tasks but my arms are rail-thin and my cardiovascular system needs some work at the gym. I can't lift anything over 100 lbs and even 80 or so would sap my endurance if I had to cart it back and forth a hundred times. I've worked at a museum, in the Immigration and Refugee Board of Canada, at a cigar store, in a seedy dépanneur, at a multinational computer reseller, and at a retail technology chain (the one that used to sell parts but now it's trying to push MP3 players alongside satellite dishes).

Nine times out of ten, I'll put in an honest days work and if you're willing to pay me at least nine (9) dollars CAD per hour, I'll even throw in a smile in the morning and a spring in my step. I won't blog at work (except possibly at lunch hour, if you don't mind) and I'll keep my mind on the task at hand, not the foreign policy of my southerly neighbours or last Sunday's episode of Trailer Park Boys.

Please let me know if you want to schedule an interview or just hire me without even blinking an eyelash. I can also provide a more accurate, less readable C.V.; one with real dates, job titles, and even my real name.(It ain't Jeremy Brendan, that's for sure)

Are you on the job hunt? Has your honest spear pierced any juicy prospects as of late? Tell us about your search and whether it has produced any meals.